Wednesday, January 8, 2003 overdosed at 04:58 a.m.
boo

Monday, January 6, 2003 overdosed at 05:44 p.m.
Gouranga = Be Happy "Gouranga is Lord Caitanya Mahaprabhu." Apparently, he's the "personification of blissful pastimes. He possesses a beautiful, transcendental complexion as effulgent as molten gold. He is the distributer of the superlative mellows of Divine love."

hurrah.
Wednesday, June 26, 2002 overdosed at 02:13 a.m.

my friend misery.
he's got small cuts in his left arm
he bleeds eyeliner from his veins
blackened eyes and blonde roots
an abstract design of sanity
crying tears of d.i.y. and mortality
it's nothing, darling
your campaign slogans
[right, left, somewhere in-between]
spray painted, stenciled avant garde art form
all that glitters is tarnished
pain = fuel
whatever
sorry?
no one is sorry
empathy is not sincerity
don't worry, you look gorgeous, darling
black and white and read all over
your nothing is my nothing as well
our only common ground
somewhere between plath and monroe
doesn't matter either way
i have befriended misery
and he's beautiful
but i want nothing to do with him
the war is over?
the beginning of the end
of the beginning
ends now
waiting forever
for a skip in the record
familiarity
similarity
of a drama queen
[king?]
i put my trust in you
and you spat it back into my face
you want to die?
good for you, so do i
so does everyone in this cruel world
all of your pessimistic cries
mean absolutely nothing to anyone
ain't that a shame?
yeah, we're hysterical and useless
the whole lot of us
believe?
ignore?
achieve?
you're so clever
sarcastic fucker but i still love you
a mess [you are]
a mess [i am]
my friend, misery.
--Kris Heding

I had enough.
I am angry and there isnt a single thing I can do about it. what issit about people these days. Im so sick of people. so sick of them, whats the point of trying to be nice. they all turn around and step all over you and take you for granted anyway. fuck them all. its not funny. Im not laughing. All this is not a joke to me. I went through the whole god damned day without cigarettes. I fucking refuse to feel crap over him over everything. is it the more I try not to the more its there. I dont need this. I dont need all this in my life. you all irritate me.
Does it matter..? not at all.

Dont Need This Shit
Tuesday, June 25, 2002 overdosed at 12:50 p.m.

know what. suddenly I am just so damn frustrated.
Its just one dissapointment after another.and my self esteem is shot to pieces.
And I am angry too. and I dont think I can show that I am angry. and I am not raging mad. Just angry.
I have been f u c ked around the past year and treated like a fucking doormat. You think I dont know that?
I made a fool out of myself more than once. and I fucking resent myself. I have had it up to...fuck knows...
 I dont ever want to see that bastards face again and If I do.... i want to be slapping it hard. But the fact is I did what I did. threw my pride away over and over again. Allowed myself to be that doormat and smiled sweetly when he took me for granted.
Then how I can blame anyone when its my own fucking uselessness.
I was so pathetic. I couldnt see a goddamned thing. reality was slapping me on the face and biting me in the ass and I laughed it off.
Fuck I was nervous too. I was scared too. I went all the way and fought the fight and refused to give up what I thought I believed in. and yet. where the hell am I today? down in the gutter not  looking at the stars. There are no stars.

I sank myself into this pile of shit. Think I dont want to get out of this grave I dug? Its not that I cant. its not that I wont. You go on and try it. Everyday I wake up and I tell myself to get on with it. tomorrow will come soon enough. One dissapointment after another, one cruel joke(private ones at that)...after another...regret after regret.

I want to go back. Strut into his life and walk away without a backward glance. I dont love him enough. I just dont. Call me, judge me bitter vengeful childish go ahead. There are no rights and no wrongs. I know my greatest revenge is to be happier than he is.

good morning sunshine
Sunday, June 23, 2002 overdosed at 10:29 a.m.

what is it about airports and railway stations...Its like seeing the glass half empty or half full. Departures and arrivals.
Airports always meant departures more. goodbyes and lingering hugs. tears and broken hearts.
Sure there is arrivals...but yet...what is being left behind? Its a one sided point of view I admit. but the airport is a whole big 'departing' and 'leaving' to me. I dont feel the excitement of first time flights, the passion of honeymoons, the exiliaration of going on holiday....or even the long awaited arrival of someone dear away for too long...
every detail counts now. we're squeezing perth into places and photos. I still cant decide when to leave.

I meant it when I said I want to hole myself up in my room when I am home with PS2 FFx cigarattes and the internet. I think I would be happy then. If I din have to go out, meet people, or answer calls. I know I will go out. but i want to have that alone time. after all, when one is alone, the existence of tears cannot be justified as no one else has seen them.
Can I go home. why dont I want to go home. why. why do I want to go home.
Everything goes by in a big big flash... blink.
and its over.
blink again.
why is it still there?

three hours
Wednesday, June 19, 2002 overdosed at 05:39 a.m.

Bleh. hate exams.
must...keep...eyes...open....Only...mere...3...hours... to... paper....
must....
bleh.

love, bah humbug.
Tuesday, June 18, 2002 overdosed at 04:13 a.m.
Love seems to be a lot of overshooting and underestimating. And now I know what you're thinking, but stick with me. My story gets betta! Overestimating. Oh hell yea! Ever listen to songs, or the stuff people say when they're in love? They'll say all this garbage to show how much they love that other person. And sure, I know it's supposed to be figuritive, but what if someone called you on some of this crap? Would you do it? "I would climb the highest mountain." "I would move heaven and earth." I want to see someone do this stuff. Go climb the mountain, bitch! And don't come back till you've planted a flag in my name. Then there's Underestimating. Why do people feel they have to underestimate the value of themself in order to show that they love someone else. "I'm nothing without you." "You are my everything." I'm not sure I would want to be with someone who depended on me to define their existence. Sure. I guess it's nice to be needed. But get a grip. I'm not too sure I want to be the air that someone breathes. heh. that's really I have to say about love. love makes the world go round or some mess like that

when head and heart collide
Friday, June 14, 2002 overdosed at 12:00 a.m.

When I used to see the world through rose tinted specs, now I wear double UV filtered sunglasses. I didn't mean that to be funny.
I don't even know how to explain this. I am just so angry with something out of the blue. Where did confidence go? Am I just getting older and more cautious, or is it just now that I subconsiously not do things because I think of what he would say.Knowing full well hes not even there anymore.
Where did I go. I sound not real nowadays. Not fake. but not real. I cant make up my mind. I waffle incessantly through people and things and cross my fingers hoping I did ok. What the hell.
I am so sick of 'ifs'. I regret. Did I really hold all this in till now? The last time I remember getting angry...since the break up was couple of days back. The whole ICQ thing. DId this spark off hidden venomous agendas ?
And of course the head says...oh...pish posh...its normal....sadness, then anger...bitterness...then grief...somewhere after that you'll remember the good times..forgive the bad....ecetera...ecetera. There is a lesson to be learnt from all this....probably dont see it right now....one steps forward two steps back....yada yada...
fuck you very much brain. The heart is freaking out.

tuesdays child
Thursday, June 13, 2002 overdosed at 01:46 a.m.
Is it really thursday already
Hss it been so long
where did wednesday go
have you already gone?

weekends I pretended
friday without a care
sleep and wake excited
then remember you're not there

calender falling pages
months one whole long day
soon it will become a year
that you have gone away

time is ever growing
why am I standing still
seconds minutes rushing
yet this is how I feel

Is it really thursday already
when did you pass me by
one phone call on monday
and tuesday became a lie

*glare* (>_<)
Wednesday, June 12, 2002 overdosed at 12:57 p.m.

"Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." - Macbeth

just how much worse can a day get and its not even past one pm. Everything that can piss me off has proceeded to do so. *irritated*
The parcel. I should have known better.
From the phone company. yippee aye yo. Threw that away with the bunch of rubbish mail in my mailbox.
I cannot photostat for nuts.
I should have just bought my potato chips and not bother cooking.
In my great attempt to cook  I managed to whip up a meal of spaghetti and soup and concurrently spill it onto the floor.
yay. go me.

lays. smiths. pringles.
Wednesday, June 12, 2002 overdosed at 07:04 a.m.

Have strange overwhelming urge to eat potato chips. Sour cream and onion. Am fat. Is raining. Will not drive.

Now its 7am in the morning and I think..no I have to stay awake...my body clock is right around the other way. not good. BUT...I have a parcel to collect...someone rang my bell last week i was asleep and could'nt be bothered to answer. But I have a parcel I found out in my mailbox later on. 
A few possibilities.
From him- but he hasn't said anything so far and not likely as he would have nothing..nothing at all he could possibly want to send to me
From either one of my good mates, If J...could be of the medicinal variety. If S...could be photos and the like.
From my parents- However have just asked them earlier on and they said no they have not sent a thing to me.
I am more excited than I think. A parcel. For me. These make the perks of my life...gosh.
stay awake now.

as I please
Monday, June 10, 2002 overdosed at 12:49 a.m.

actually. I have no talent for making a gorgeous site.
and I should be studying for the exams.
Perhaps my html skills will improve overtime, with inspiration from the many beautiful sites out there.
But in the meantime. I shall blog. and try not to confuse myself with pictures coding and the like.